ORP for Prez

Even as far away as Fianarantsoa, Madagascar we are feeling the ripples of US current events here. To gauge from the barrage of news reporting on the radio, print and blogosphere—and all the attendant punditry—there seems to be a lot of excitement about the 2008 presidential election. Not a day goes by when someone or other either announces they are going to run for office, or are forming an exploratory committee in order to consider running for office. Well, this explosion of candidatures has left us little choice but to show our hand a bit earlier than planned.

Here it is: Owen Redlund Patterson is forming an exploratory committee for the office of President of the United States of America.

There will be a bigger rollout later, as Owen tightens up his talking points (once he learns to talk, that is). But until then, here’s what we can say about the candidate and his platform. Owen is a baby of the people and doesn’t have strong ideological leanings to the right or left. With the proliferation of other presidential hopefuls on both sides of the aisle, Owen will be running as an independent. He wants to reach out to all people (as well as he is able given his limited gross and fine motor skills…) regardless of class, creed or color. At sometime between 9 and 12 months, we are hoping that he’ll take a stand for universal breast milk for all, unrestricted mobile viewing, and the unalienable right to decide on nap frequency and duration.

Knowing the political landscape inside the beltway, and the ruthlessness of the special interest groups, we want to avoid any kind of scandal involving our candidate, so we’re pulling out the skeletons right from the beginning. In his younger days, Owen was a bit wild and was known to imbibe a bit more than he could handle—sometimes to excess. He’s been to treatment and has a handle on his problem. And, there could be some incriminating nude photos of Owen leaked to the press. He takes full ownership and responsibility for the pictures and admits to agreeing to pose for these shots in return for a reduction in his room and board in Fianarantsoa. He’s not proud of the photos (well, maybe just a little proud), but he was in a tight spot. (And he naively believed it when the photographer told him “What happens in Fianar stays in Fianar.”) But now he’s a new baby, having turned his back(side) on these darker days.

Look for Owen in Iowa sometime in July, after he’s back in the US. He’s looking forward to meeting his constituents and taking the fight to Washington.